You're Not My REAL Mom and Dad!

I read this on a cyber friend's blog, posted for National Adoption Month and just had to share it:

NATURAL CHILD = Any child who is not artificial
REAL PARENT = Any parent who is not imaginary
YOUR OWN CHILD = Any child who is not someone else's child
ADOPTED CHILD = A natural child, with a real parent, who is all my own

Loved this when I read it!

Oh, and the title? 

Maybe you are thinking that I'm quoting something a teenager might say to a parent. 

Maybe you think I read this in a book related to adoptive parents.

Good guessing, but NO.  This would be real life in Wade World.  Have I ever mentioned that older child adoptive parenting can be...hmmmm...hard?

Prior to coming home, I don't think Keziah knew that her foster parents were not her permanent family.  Keziah never knew that another mother existed who gave birth to her.  Keziah does not remember the first 18 months of her life when she lived at the orphanage.

Everything I've read and learned about adoptive parenting I kind of sum up in this philosophy - Keep it real.  I don't tell Keziah dreamy stories.  I also don't try to overload her with too much information that she can't handle, but we just talk...a LOT!  Keziah talks about her memories from China, and I add in my memories as well as some of the "facts".  So along this journey of our life, revelations have come for Keziah.

My heart hurt for her the very first day we talked about the existence of a "birth mama".  I knew the very moment when the realization that she had a first mama hit her heart.  Tears welled up in her eyes.  She never cried, but she was pondering this woman and this new loss in her life.

Coming home meant lots of losses for Keziah.  She still misses her foster family, but even this has changed over time.  At first Keziah talked about her "Fuling Mama."  Over time she started to call her "China Mama" or "Chinese Mama."  As we've talked more about that relationship, she has started to sometimes call her "Foster Mama." 

Tonight she asked about why her Foster Mama was her foster mama.  Ugh!  I dreaded that question.  All this time I have attempted to protect her image of her foster parents.  Now...the best I could do was tell more of the truth...her job was to be a foster mama to care for kids just like the nannies at the orphanage had a job to care for the kids who lived there.  Now I will wait while she processes this new information and see what questions come next.

Keziah also has started to ask questions about her "Earth Mama".  :)  We're working on that one.  Anyhow, my little girl now wants to know more about her birth mama.  Her heart has begun to ache for a woman she never knew.  Oh, and the questions! 

As I said before, I don't paint pretty pictures from a sugar-coated dream world.  That would be unfair to Keziah, because the truth is that for most of her questions I just don't have any answers to give her.  I can't answer the why questions.  I can't describe this mystery woman to her.

Never fear!  My drama queen has filled in some of the missing pieces.  Tonight she even tried to tell the grocery clerk her whole life story.  It is quite the epic tale. 

Keziah's version includes the pieces I gave her plus her incredible imagination.  Being found as a tiny crying, stinky (I added that one to make her laugh), hungry baby.  The police searching to find her family, unsucessfully.  Finally being placed at the orphanage to be taken care of.

 Keziah's story also includes an older sister. 

You see, she asked me why.  Why did her birth mama leave her?  Truth?  I don't know.  We discussed several possible reasons.  Babies have lots of needs that take lots of money.  Keziah like this one at first.  Her mama didn't have enough money so she left her where she would be found, clothed, and fed. 

But one reason wasn't enough for this girl.  She wanted more answers.  Hard as it was for me, I did tell her about the law in China that limits the number of children families can have.  Most only having one baby and then having to pay lots of money if they had more children.

BINGO!

She LOVED this reason!  It made perfect sense to her little brain.  She has an older sister in China.  Her parents couldn't afford to pay the fine for having two babies so they gave her to the orphanage. 

So how do I get from Keziah's fairy tale to the title?

Well, she's never said it hatefully, but as she is pondering her life, Keziah will occasionally try out new thoughts on us.  Driving down the road one day as we were headed to a family shopping trip, her sweet little Chinese voice announces from the backseat, "Ma, you not my REAL mama." 

Christopher was driving, and yes, I held it together.  We've gotten used to the Keziah shock factor.  She'll say somethings just to see if this time we'll become raving lunatics.  You can't imagine the number of times and odd locations I get to hear, "Ma, you no good cook.  Chinese Mama cook good food.  Not you."  And still she's living and breathing.  We just take these pronouncements as conversational starters.

So this first conversation wandered around to a variety of topics.  I expected that she was thinking about her foster mama, but the real reason for this was her thoughts about her birth mama.  She decided that since she didn't grow in my tummy that I wasn't her mama.  WRONG!!!  End of discussion points - I am her forever mama, I love her, she is my daughter, I love her, she is a permanent part of our family, and I love her.

About a week later, she tried it out on Christopher, "Dad, you not my REAL dad."  In typical daddy fashion, there was lots of laughter, silliness, and maybe some tickling with his "scruffies" in his answer.

Gotta love this girl!!!  In fact, I do love her.  Some day I hope that she will know just how much her REAL parents love her.  For now, we're just enjoying the adventure of this wild ride.