Have you figured out yet that I'm riding an emotional roller coaster?
Honestly, I live moment by moment right now. I'm trying so hard to rely on God's strength to stay on the positive, to trust His timing and know that He has everything, every detail in His control. But it is so hard!
Yesterday, I began to resign myself to LATE December or early January travel. Painting gets finished up, decorate for Christmas, enjoy the holidays with my five kids, make all the gingerbread houses for the school project and watch the kids decorate them (fun), maybe steam clean some carpeting, family movie outings to see "Tangled" and the new Narnia "Voyage of the Dawn Treader", make our traditional Christmas breakfast with the family. Yesterday, my heart was happily looking forward to the good things about just being home and having more time to get ready to travel.
NOW...
Okay, a little background. Lots of families have been waiting to receive their Travel Approvals for longer than normal. Some agencies hadn't received any TA's since early in October. Tons of TA's finally began pouring in this week! Some people getting their TA's are cyber friends and acquaintances from online chat groups. Some have been paper chasing friends and former travel buddies from our agency. I have been rejoicing with them all. So excited as Consulate Appointments have been scheduled, flights booked, and travel plans finalized. Some families are literally leaving next week. Our agency has a travel group set to leave on December 2, with most families meeting their children on December 6, and flying home on December 17, just in time to be home for Christmas.
I was good. I was happy for them all. Cheering them on. So excited. "Blow birthday kisses to my girl as you fly over!"
Then I was reading about a family from our agency that is traveling to Jiangxi to meet their child. Hadassah Peiwu is from Jiangxi province.
Suddenly, I felt a wave of sorrow flood over me. The image of a footbal game with cheerleaders on the sideline bouncing, jumping, yelling, chanting, and cheering for the team formed in my mind. I saw myself as a cheerleader. The game is starting. The players are gathering into position on the field of play. But I am on the sideline.
Why was Jiangxi such a trigger?
When we traveled to bring Keziah home, we had a wonderful travel group. Love them all dearly! After our two weeks in China together, we became our own little family. We shared such a special time together. However, in the middle of our time in China, each family went for five days to their child's province to meet their son or daughter, finalize the adoption, and receive their child's Chinese passport. Since our group was only adopting waiting children, the families scattered all over China. A few went in pairs to their children's province, but most of us traveled alone.
Keziah is from Chongqing, China. The captial city is Chongqing. Think New York, New York and you'd pretty much know where we were. Really! It's a huge city. We had a wonderful guide. We had our daughter. But for those five days, Christopher and I were the only Americans we saw. When we walked down the streets of Chongqing, you would have thought we were a side show attraction. People stared and pointed. Those were some of the loneliest days of my life. I missed my kids at home. I just wanted to go home.
Sitting on the sidelines is hard right now. I had truly hoped to travel with some of these families again. We paper chased side by side. Now, they are leaving us behind.
In my head, I know that God has a perfect plan. I know that He has a reason for us to travel when we will. But my heart is longing for my daughter.
Miranda passed through the kitchen late last night on her way to bed and just said out of the blue, "I miss my sister Hadassah." We are all missing her so much.
I did have to scold Keziah though this morning. Her stuff has overtaken their room. Junk and papers cover Hadassah Peiwu's dresser and nightstand. Let's just say that I didn't plan on her having two McDonald's Trick or Treat Happy Meal buckets on her nightstand when she gets home. Keziah gets to start cleaning and trashing the mess tonight!
Yeah, I know we've got plenty to keep us busy, but it doesn't stop the heartache.
9 years ago
Your heartache will not go away until you are on your way to China. Praying for your TA to get here fast.
ReplyDeleteAnd I know how lonely it is when you are in your province alone. That happened to us in Jan. We were at the "adoption" hotel and there were no other families there that week. We were so lonely. There was not much to do either in Fuzhou, or at least not much our guide felt we would want to do. A lot of time was spent inside our hotel room. Guangzhou was such a happy place and we could not wait to meet back up with our travel group.
Praying for you as you wait, praying for you as you travel. Praying for you as you meet your princess.
I am so sorry Laura.
ReplyDeleteYour wait has been long and you sound weary.
I know nothing I say will matter much, but I understand how you feel and am just here to say, I understand.
Also, I had no idea Keziah was from Chongqing?! Was she in a foster family? I wonder if she and J knew each other! He knows many children that were in the foster families. They all lived in the same apt. building from what I've gathered. Do you keep in contact? We do sporadically as his foster Mom leads.
As for travel groups, ours have never been like you describe. We had a great group this time but we weren't able to go out much with big J b/c he was constantly running away or tantruming. He was fine in the room thank goodness, just not while we were out.
Let's hope you get to travel on Dec. 2. ANYTHING is possible with the Lord! Don't give up hope until that day passes.