Right now, life is just ROCK hard!
I think often about the performers who spin plates and just keep them all spinning as I think about managing the life of our large family. My plates aren't spinning so well. We've gone beyond just wobbly. Currently, I feel like they are crashing all around me.
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I started this blog entry way back on October 5th and then just never returned to finish it. I thought that I'd try to fill in some of the missing pieces...Okay!...all the missing pieces, because that events of that day play into so many other aspects of our life and future bloggy story telling. So now we will rejoin a blog already in progress.
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Backing up to Monday, October 4th...
Keziah herself described this as a bad day. It was just one of those days that keeps going from bad to worse to just plain yucky.
Keziah was still attending school at the public school back then. Every day she would come home with a behavior report.
Happy face = good day
Squiggle face = not so great, usually she had disobeyed her teacher or was too chatty
Straight face = never had one of these, before 10/4, but you're getting into some serious trouble now
Sad face = Oh my! Now we'd be calling parents and headed to the principal's office and not for a good reason
Keziah should have had the report in her folder. It was a Monday of a new month so the report had not yet been put in her folder. However, instead of the report, I got an email from the teacher and a sad girl coming home. STRAIGHT FACE DAY! Keziah had come into class that morning just chatty and off. She didn't do her morning work, even after redirection from her teacher - STRIKE ONE! At the end of the day she was again chatty and off task - STRIKE THREE!
Do you think I can't count?
Nope, it's just that STRIKE TWO was a little more serious.
One of my least favorite parts of having kids in the school system is the need for Lock Down Drills. I understand that this is just one of the realities of the world we live in today, but that doesn't mean I have to like it.
So when did Keziah pick to defy her teacher for the second time? In the computer lab during a Lock Down Drill. All the students were to shut down their computers, push in their chairs, line up, and move to their "safe place". My girl? Well, she did stand up and push in her chair, but she also chose to keep right on playing on the computer and not budge from her spot. She remained stuck while the rest of the class moved to their "safe place". Her teacher had to come back to get her. So it was just a drill, but if it had been for real she put herself, her teacher, and her entire class in danger.
BIG STRAIGHT FACE DAY!
Oh, but we are not done yet! Still daylight remains!
Life was incredibly crazy busy. Piano lesson for Elijah and Keziah (straight face concequence = no playing Leapster Explorer while waiting for Elijah to finish), play practice for Caleb, football practices for both little boys, and soccer skills clinic for Keziah. Somehow I managed to get everybody every where with some help from Caleb (teenage driving can be good), and I was sitting in my SUV working on menu planning while Keziah practiced soccer.
The soccer skills clinics every week were so great for Keziah. It wasn't her regular practice time, and it wasn't so she'd become some great super soccer star. But since Keziah didn't get to play soccer from the time she was tiny like so many other kids, the clinics gave her more time each week to practice with the ball and learn more about how to play.
Two college girls, recent high school grads, taught the clinic under the direction of the league's president. They did a super job with the kids and kept to the "no laps, no lines, no lectures" philosophy where the kids spend most of their time actually playing with the ball. However, as the number of kids attending had leveled off with the remaining 7 or 8 kids, the girls would divide them into two groups of 3-4 kids for some drills. Waiting in a line of three kids is nothing like waiting for an entire team to complete a drill...unless you are Keziah.
On this night she had decided to pester the boy in front of her in line. Flipping his hair, touching him, any thing she could do to irritate him. Always when the coaches weren't looking!! Finally, she started beaning him in the head with her soccer ball. Thwack! Thwack! Thwack! Coach looking...STOP.
Her mama had enough! I came storming out of my car adn took her out of line for a face-to-face. NO MORE!!! No more hitting anyone with her ball!
Sweet and sassy smile, "Yes, Mommeeeeeee!"
Did you know that the words used to designate the female parent can be used as weapons?
Keziah usually just calls me "Ma". Caleb agrees that this is a very common Chinese term. Like shortening "mother" to "mom". She will use "mama" if we are in a Chinese silly mood around here and calling Christopher "baba" which is Chinese for "dad". Or if she is really feeling silly and using Dora the Explorer Spanish word "mama" and "papi". "Mom", long and drawn out, is usually heard if she is hunting for me in the house or in that whiny frustrated, teenage-type tone to express frustration with me. Keziah only uses "mommy" or sometimes "mother" if she is feeling especially sassy and definant.
Now on my list of battles I want to fight, the whole name game is not even on this list. She knows what she is doing. I know what she is doing. She knows I know. I know that she knows that I know. Confused? Keziah does some things just to check and see if she'll get a reaction from us. Has always done this! Insults about my cooking don't come at dinner time, but instead they come totally out of the blue at odd times. Why? Just to see if this time she'll get me to really react. Going crazy over this one just isn't worth it. I let her play the name game. Hey, just think of all the language skill she has for knowing all these different ways to refer to the female parent?!?!
So back to soccer...
I get back in the car. Keziah stops twacking that poor boy with her soccer ball. Oh, but she's not done yet!! Her coach give instructions to the kids about the next skill the will be working on. Kids are supposed to wait behind the cone for their turn. As the coach's eyes rise from the cone, Keziah kicks it over. Not just a little uh-oh kind of kick, but a big you're-outta-here kind of kick! The coach politely picks up the cone and asks Keziah not to do that again. Then she turned her back on Keziah to watch the child going through the drill...BIG mistake! With the coach's back turned to her, Keziah happily kicked the cone again.
Unfortunately for Keziah, her mama was watching the whole thing from the car. After the warning about her behavior with the other child, I marched out of the SUV one last time. Zoop! One little girl was whisked out of line. She had to set the cone back up, apologize to her coach, and she was done for the night. Thirty minutes into the hour long practice and she was done.
Now I had some unexpected extra time, so I took Keziah with me to the grocery store for a quick stop. All through the store we were talking. She knew I was not happy with her behavior and Dad was going to find out too.
I chose to use I higher level of discipline with Keziah this time. She had already had the immediate consequence of leaving practice, but I also let her know that there would be some other consequence to come, delayed consequences. This was driving her crazy! First of all, I had to define "consequences" over and over again. Consequences could be something you don't get to do or something you have to do. Examples of the NOT - not playing her game or watching TV or even time out. Examples for the DO - housecleaning chores. Housework! No way was she gonna clean anything! All through the store we continued this none stop chatter.
As we were finally checking out, the anxiety of the unknown shifted from her usually happy, funny, silly self to a new level of discovery. Concern and worry began taking over. By the time everything was loaded in the car and we were driving away, the damn burst.
All the way home, Keziah sat crying and babbling about being a bad girl and about us not loving her. I quickly called home and made arrangements with Caleb and Miranda to come out to unload the car as soon as I got home. I couldn't drive home fast enough (and follow the speed limits). Our short five to ten minute drive lasted an eternity.
I parked the car in the driveway and quickly unbuckled my girl, craddled her in my arms, and came inside to rock her and comfort her through this fit. The whole day had come crashing down on my sweet little girl. All the "bad choices" had piled up. Now in the flood, raw emotions and misconceptions began to pour out. Keziah equated her "bad day" with her being a "BAD girl." Whoa! The most painful revelation was that she also expected us to stop loving her based on these bad choices and behaviors.
As her storm began to calm over an hour later, Keziah revealed that her foster mother would often stop loving her when she misbehaved. Weeks later, Keziah has also shared that sometimes her foster mother would take her back to the orphanage when she couldn't handle her any more. Maybe these were just respit-care type visits when the foster family had to travel or needed time off for an event, maybe these were just check-up type visits to make sure Keziah was doing well, but to this little girl these visits were viewed as a form of rejection based on her being a "bad girl."
Lots of cuddling, lots of hugs, and lots of talking about the reality of unconditional love. Our love for her does not change, lessen, go away. Our love is constant, no matter what. Good days, bad days. Good choices or bad. I had to list off all the kids by name - Caleb, Miranda, Josiah, Elijah - and emphasize that I still love them when they make bad choices, when they are grumpy, when they have bad days. I can be angry with their choices and still love them. I eve threw Christopher into the bunch to illustrate that I can get mad at Dad and still love him too.
Dinner got a late start that night. See, it was a digging day. A day when we dug down through all the layers of Keziah's life. Kinda like we tapped into a core sampling of sedimentary rock to discover new lavers. They are not all pretty to look at. Some of them hold tremendous pain and hurts.
As Keziah was finally heading off to bed that night, she came back downstairs and needed to check in one more time for a little love reassurance. "Ma, do you love me?" Again I'm found myself listing off the family's name.
"Do I love Caleb all the time?"
"Do I love Miranda all the time?"
"Do I love Josiah all the time?"
"Do I love Elijah all the time?"
"Do I love Dad all the time?"
Lots of smiles and "yes". Until I asked on last question...
"Do I love Hadassah all the time?"
Keziah's face twisted in a puzzled expression, "Ma, you no see Hadassah."
What an incredible opportunity! I got to express how much I love Hadassah, even now without holding her in my arms or seeing her face-to-face...JUST LIKE I LOVED KEZIAH BEFORE SHE CAME HOME!
Communicating to my precious daughter unchanging, unconditional love, not based on merit or even proximity. I just love her! Why? Because she is my daughter. It may take years, it may take a lifetime, but somehow, some day I hope that Keziah and Hadassah will know how much they are loved. Loved by their earthly, forever family and loved by their heavenly Father God.
Just know that we are still digging and peeling back layer after layer.
Keziah was still attending school at the public school back then. Every day she would come home with a behavior report.
Happy face = good day
Squiggle face = not so great, usually she had disobeyed her teacher or was too chatty
Straight face = never had one of these, before 10/4, but you're getting into some serious trouble now
Sad face = Oh my! Now we'd be calling parents and headed to the principal's office and not for a good reason
Keziah should have had the report in her folder. It was a Monday of a new month so the report had not yet been put in her folder. However, instead of the report, I got an email from the teacher and a sad girl coming home. STRAIGHT FACE DAY! Keziah had come into class that morning just chatty and off. She didn't do her morning work, even after redirection from her teacher - STRIKE ONE! At the end of the day she was again chatty and off task - STRIKE THREE!
Do you think I can't count?
Nope, it's just that STRIKE TWO was a little more serious.
One of my least favorite parts of having kids in the school system is the need for Lock Down Drills. I understand that this is just one of the realities of the world we live in today, but that doesn't mean I have to like it.
So when did Keziah pick to defy her teacher for the second time? In the computer lab during a Lock Down Drill. All the students were to shut down their computers, push in their chairs, line up, and move to their "safe place". My girl? Well, she did stand up and push in her chair, but she also chose to keep right on playing on the computer and not budge from her spot. She remained stuck while the rest of the class moved to their "safe place". Her teacher had to come back to get her. So it was just a drill, but if it had been for real she put herself, her teacher, and her entire class in danger.
BIG STRAIGHT FACE DAY!
Oh, but we are not done yet! Still daylight remains!
Life was incredibly crazy busy. Piano lesson for Elijah and Keziah (straight face concequence = no playing Leapster Explorer while waiting for Elijah to finish), play practice for Caleb, football practices for both little boys, and soccer skills clinic for Keziah. Somehow I managed to get everybody every where with some help from Caleb (teenage driving can be good), and I was sitting in my SUV working on menu planning while Keziah practiced soccer.
The soccer skills clinics every week were so great for Keziah. It wasn't her regular practice time, and it wasn't so she'd become some great super soccer star. But since Keziah didn't get to play soccer from the time she was tiny like so many other kids, the clinics gave her more time each week to practice with the ball and learn more about how to play.
Two college girls, recent high school grads, taught the clinic under the direction of the league's president. They did a super job with the kids and kept to the "no laps, no lines, no lectures" philosophy where the kids spend most of their time actually playing with the ball. However, as the number of kids attending had leveled off with the remaining 7 or 8 kids, the girls would divide them into two groups of 3-4 kids for some drills. Waiting in a line of three kids is nothing like waiting for an entire team to complete a drill...unless you are Keziah.
On this night she had decided to pester the boy in front of her in line. Flipping his hair, touching him, any thing she could do to irritate him. Always when the coaches weren't looking!! Finally, she started beaning him in the head with her soccer ball. Thwack! Thwack! Thwack! Coach looking...STOP.
Her mama had enough! I came storming out of my car adn took her out of line for a face-to-face. NO MORE!!! No more hitting anyone with her ball!
Sweet and sassy smile, "Yes, Mommeeeeeee!"
Did you know that the words used to designate the female parent can be used as weapons?
Keziah usually just calls me "Ma". Caleb agrees that this is a very common Chinese term. Like shortening "mother" to "mom". She will use "mama" if we are in a Chinese silly mood around here and calling Christopher "baba" which is Chinese for "dad". Or if she is really feeling silly and using Dora the Explorer Spanish word "mama" and "papi". "Mom", long and drawn out, is usually heard if she is hunting for me in the house or in that whiny frustrated, teenage-type tone to express frustration with me. Keziah only uses "mommy" or sometimes "mother" if she is feeling especially sassy and definant.
Now on my list of battles I want to fight, the whole name game is not even on this list. She knows what she is doing. I know what she is doing. She knows I know. I know that she knows that I know. Confused? Keziah does some things just to check and see if she'll get a reaction from us. Has always done this! Insults about my cooking don't come at dinner time, but instead they come totally out of the blue at odd times. Why? Just to see if this time she'll get me to really react. Going crazy over this one just isn't worth it. I let her play the name game. Hey, just think of all the language skill she has for knowing all these different ways to refer to the female parent?!?!
So back to soccer...
I get back in the car. Keziah stops twacking that poor boy with her soccer ball. Oh, but she's not done yet!! Her coach give instructions to the kids about the next skill the will be working on. Kids are supposed to wait behind the cone for their turn. As the coach's eyes rise from the cone, Keziah kicks it over. Not just a little uh-oh kind of kick, but a big you're-outta-here kind of kick! The coach politely picks up the cone and asks Keziah not to do that again. Then she turned her back on Keziah to watch the child going through the drill...BIG mistake! With the coach's back turned to her, Keziah happily kicked the cone again.
Unfortunately for Keziah, her mama was watching the whole thing from the car. After the warning about her behavior with the other child, I marched out of the SUV one last time. Zoop! One little girl was whisked out of line. She had to set the cone back up, apologize to her coach, and she was done for the night. Thirty minutes into the hour long practice and she was done.
Now I had some unexpected extra time, so I took Keziah with me to the grocery store for a quick stop. All through the store we were talking. She knew I was not happy with her behavior and Dad was going to find out too.
I chose to use I higher level of discipline with Keziah this time. She had already had the immediate consequence of leaving practice, but I also let her know that there would be some other consequence to come, delayed consequences. This was driving her crazy! First of all, I had to define "consequences" over and over again. Consequences could be something you don't get to do or something you have to do. Examples of the NOT - not playing her game or watching TV or even time out. Examples for the DO - housecleaning chores. Housework! No way was she gonna clean anything! All through the store we continued this none stop chatter.
As we were finally checking out, the anxiety of the unknown shifted from her usually happy, funny, silly self to a new level of discovery. Concern and worry began taking over. By the time everything was loaded in the car and we were driving away, the damn burst.
All the way home, Keziah sat crying and babbling about being a bad girl and about us not loving her. I quickly called home and made arrangements with Caleb and Miranda to come out to unload the car as soon as I got home. I couldn't drive home fast enough (and follow the speed limits). Our short five to ten minute drive lasted an eternity.
I parked the car in the driveway and quickly unbuckled my girl, craddled her in my arms, and came inside to rock her and comfort her through this fit. The whole day had come crashing down on my sweet little girl. All the "bad choices" had piled up. Now in the flood, raw emotions and misconceptions began to pour out. Keziah equated her "bad day" with her being a "BAD girl." Whoa! The most painful revelation was that she also expected us to stop loving her based on these bad choices and behaviors.
As her storm began to calm over an hour later, Keziah revealed that her foster mother would often stop loving her when she misbehaved. Weeks later, Keziah has also shared that sometimes her foster mother would take her back to the orphanage when she couldn't handle her any more. Maybe these were just respit-care type visits when the foster family had to travel or needed time off for an event, maybe these were just check-up type visits to make sure Keziah was doing well, but to this little girl these visits were viewed as a form of rejection based on her being a "bad girl."
Lots of cuddling, lots of hugs, and lots of talking about the reality of unconditional love. Our love for her does not change, lessen, go away. Our love is constant, no matter what. Good days, bad days. Good choices or bad. I had to list off all the kids by name - Caleb, Miranda, Josiah, Elijah - and emphasize that I still love them when they make bad choices, when they are grumpy, when they have bad days. I can be angry with their choices and still love them. I eve threw Christopher into the bunch to illustrate that I can get mad at Dad and still love him too.
Dinner got a late start that night. See, it was a digging day. A day when we dug down through all the layers of Keziah's life. Kinda like we tapped into a core sampling of sedimentary rock to discover new lavers. They are not all pretty to look at. Some of them hold tremendous pain and hurts.
As Keziah was finally heading off to bed that night, she came back downstairs and needed to check in one more time for a little love reassurance. "Ma, do you love me?" Again I'm found myself listing off the family's name.
"Do I love Caleb all the time?"
"Do I love Miranda all the time?"
"Do I love Josiah all the time?"
"Do I love Elijah all the time?"
"Do I love Dad all the time?"
Lots of smiles and "yes". Until I asked on last question...
"Do I love Hadassah all the time?"
Keziah's face twisted in a puzzled expression, "Ma, you no see Hadassah."
What an incredible opportunity! I got to express how much I love Hadassah, even now without holding her in my arms or seeing her face-to-face...JUST LIKE I LOVED KEZIAH BEFORE SHE CAME HOME!
Communicating to my precious daughter unchanging, unconditional love, not based on merit or even proximity. I just love her! Why? Because she is my daughter. It may take years, it may take a lifetime, but somehow, some day I hope that Keziah and Hadassah will know how much they are loved. Loved by their earthly, forever family and loved by their heavenly Father God.
Just know that we are still digging and peeling back layer after layer.
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