Chicken, Wallpaper, and Tears

Title got you confused yet?

Do you remember previous postings about me losing my sanity during this waiting?

Trust me on this one.  If you ever want to have your faith and your Christian life and daily walk challenged and changed, try adoption. 

Defeated, depressed, discouraged are just a few good words to describe some of my raw emotions recently.  I truly haven't been able to concentrate during the daylight hours and then haven't been able to sleep at night.  I've been overwhelmed with worry and anticipation, trying to put together the puzzle of our life with all the missing pieces related to the WHEN of our adoption travels. 

Expedia and I are good cyber friends right now as I check ticket prices every week for various dates we could be traveling from Thanksgiving through January.  I know what dates are the cheapest and what week the prices double.

Now...rewind to Wednesday...

Late morning, I'm cutting up some chicken to toss in the crockpot for dinner that night (tried another new recipe - Chicken Pot Pie in the crockpot!  Yummy!!). 

In our kitchen, we have a simple boombox sitting in the "plant shelf "windowsill.  The radio is tuned to our favorite, local, Christian radio staion.  It plays virtually 24/7.  The volume goes up and down.  Occassionally, I'll switch it off, but most of the time it is just the background soundtrack of life in Wade World.

So as I'm standing there, the song "East to West" by Casting Crowns starts to play.  I love this song, but not for the real meaning of the words.  I love it because I heard it one day during the wait for Keziah to come home and latched onto this phrase,

"In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west"

The words speak to my heart.  That my God knows just how far away my daughters have been from their mama.  He knows all the how's and when's about their homecomings.

So God has my attention.  I'm really listening to the words of the song. 

Presto! 

Tears start streaming down my face.  Suddenly I'm face to face with my struggle, my own sin.

I've grown up in the church, heard sermons all my life, memoried scripture, attended conferences and Bible studies, taught Bible study groups, and am currently leading and teaching in children's worship.  I know all the "Sunday school answers"!  I can recite Christian rhetoric and jargon with the best.  I've lived life long enough to have seen God work in amazing and wonderful ways before.  Christopher and I have faced so many challenges in our not quite 20 years of marriage.  I know this God I believe in!  I know that He is faithful!  I know that He is trustworthy!

BUT...here I am living in fear, filled with worry...I'm tortured and tormented.

Trust...faith...resting in His peace?

So as I finished up the chicken, I headed upstairs to our loft (playroom/library/disaster area) to the joyous task of stripping wallpaper for the rest of the day. 

Now the wallpaper in this area was only applied from the chairrail up.  The whole room looks a wreck because I decided one day to "test a small piece" to see how easily this paper would be to remove.  Sooooooo glad my kids never tried before me!  You could actually rip whole sheets off the wall!  It was so much fun that the kids and I ripped most of the paper off long before I began actually painting this room.  Hmmmmmm...how many ways can I express that Christopher has been less than happy with that little experiment?

 The last remaining piece of the original wallpaper

 The nook decorated with an artistic flair

Yep!  More wallpaper to be removed before I can neutralize the paint color a bit.

However wonderfully easily the wallpaper ripped off the walls, it left behind pieces of the paper backing in small spots and large strips.  Now I still have to really strip the yuck left behind.  It's a messy and long process to properly clean and prepare the walls for painting.

So me and my step stools make our way around the room with scrapers, a bucket of water and a sponge, and a spray bottle of DIF gel. 

As I'm scrapping sticky, gooey bits of paper off, my mind wanders back to the song and my tears of repentance. 

This is not my first adoption!  Why is it so hard?

Back to that wallpaper...parts of it came off easily....parts of it are taking lots of work...some sticky stuff will probably still remain until I sand the walls and wash them down again.

My own heart and life in the hands of my Master Designer...some parts of my sinful nature He ripped away easily...other parts require more work...gooey, messy scraping...washing...sanding...washing again.

The Refiner's fire is at work in my life.  It's not always fun.  It's not always easy.  But it is worth it!

Since my great chicken crying fest, I have experienced a new peace.  I'm back to resting in His arms and trusting His timing.  December?  January?  He'll take care of the details.

Don't worry!  I'm not on some "I'm better than you!" tongue sticking out soapbox here!!!  I know that it would take only about 30 seconds of pondering all the unknowns, and I'd be right back to that muddled mess.  For now, I'm just trying to take every thought captive, live in the moment for this day, still making preparations, but not letting myself become consumed again, holding onto Him as He holds me up.

Yeah, changed the playlist again so "East to West" is now the #1 song.  Here are the lyrics...

"East To West" by Casting Crowns

Here I am, Lord, and I'm drowning in your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don't want to end up where You found me
And it echoes in my mind, keeps me awake tonight
I know You've cast my sin as far as the east is from the west
And I stand before You now as though I've never sinned
But today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way

Jesus, can You show me just how far the east is from the west
'cause I can't bear to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other

I start the day, the war begins, endless reminding of my sin
Time and time again Your truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in
Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way

I know You've washed me white, turned my darkness into light
I need Your peace to get me through, to get me through this night
I can't live by what I feel, but by the truth Your word reveals
I'm not holding on to You, but You're holding on to me
You're holding on to me

Jesus, You know just how far the east is from the west
I don't have to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other
One scarred hand to the other
From one scarred hand to the other