Unexpected

Sometimes, I experience unexpected moments of incredible loss and sadness for my little girls.

Here I sit having lunch on a hot summer day with my kiddos at Culver's. We needed to get out and needed to go somewhere cool.

Across they sat a young couple enjoying their lunch. Since the boys picked a booth, I couldn't see their whole table area. So I didn't realize they had a child with them until they began to finish their meal.

The mama got up to walk her daughter around while dad cleaned up their space. This sweet little girl wore a cute little summer top and denim shorts. She flashed her smile and dancing blue eyes at anyone she could make eye contact with. Sparse blond curls dotted her head. She was somewhere between 12 and 18 months old, toddlling around and grabbing onto her mama's ready fingers to steady herself. Soon her daddy was also hovering near by to guide his little ones steps.

So why does this simple, everyday scene trouble my heart?

My little girls are like thousands of other children who grow up in institutions. I wasn't there to hold their hands while they took their first steps. Things that we take for granted as a normal part of every day life aren't normal for these children.

Sometimes, out of the blue, I think of all they've missed. At a middle school band concert, I think about the baby next to me who is hearing all that music. As little ones are chauffeured around the grocery store, I ponder how many colors, smells, and sounds a child experiences in just that one shopping trip. Riding in a car, visits to the park, seeing animals at the zoo, or just the small things like brightly colored toys, and a mom and a dad to cuddle and love wee little ones.

I miss all this for my girls and I also miss all this with my girls.

I have dearly loved experiencing all our "firsts" with Keziah. I have cerished them more than I think I did with my bio kids. I long to celebrate all of Hadassah's "firsts" when she comes home.


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