Reading again

So I've switched from reading fiction back to reading non-fiction. Got too upset at the unreal parts of the last book.

I've decided to re-read some adoption related books in preparation for Hadassah's homecoming.

First one, I grabbed last night to read during piano lessons. I had checked it out from the library to read before, but it was such a good one that I purchased it recently - The Connected Child.

What I forgot about my first "reading" of this book is how much it upset me....

This book wasn't yet popular and well know when I was reading and researching before Keziah came home.  It wasn't until afterwards tha our agency recommended it to all families, pre or post travel.  Based on such a review, I picked it up from the libaray and started to read.

Unfortunately, I only made it about one-fourth or on-third of the way through the book really READING it.  Then, I got upset, angry, heartbroken, and sad.  I kept the book around, skimmed the rest of it, but didn't really READ it as well as I might have.  I still reccomended it to others as a great adoption book, but I just never quite finished it myself.

So reading it last night, I again made it to the same spot and had to set it to the side for a while.

Why?

Because I have a beautiful little girl who lives at my house now and for whom I have the priviledge and responsibility of being her mama.  Because I have another little girl waiting in China who is unaware right now that she has a mama who loves her so much that I feel like I might burst.

The beginning of this book does a wonderful job of describing all sorts of challenges that foster and adopted kids face.  Things totally out of my control - genetics; prenatal care, nutrition, and emotional status; newborn and infant care and stimulation; early nutrition, and institutionalization.  The book also describes how these challenges could affect the developing child and how the effects may be expressed in the child's behaviors and cognitive development.

I get MAD!  Really and truly, blood boiling mad as I read all this.  Maybe the information wouldn't affect me quite so greatly if I didn't already have Keziah home, but it is just so hard to read.  My little girls have both been on China's waiting child list.  Both of them have been classified as "special needs" even beyond the fact that at only six years old they were senior citizen orphans (translation - older children, over the age of three).  As I read some of the cause-and-effect relationships between some of the challenges of institutionalized life and the effects on these children, my heart hurts for my girls.  I will never know if their "special needs" are genetic or the result of the lack of care or missing pieces in their early lives. 

But still I call out to God asking "WHY?!?"

Why are my girls' lives filled with so many extra challenges?  Why couldn't they have come home sooner so I could love on them more?

Okay, God and I wrestled with this stuff long ago during our wait for Keziah to come home.  He showed me how much He had for me to do while they were little.  I wasn't ready for adoption when my house was full with little kiddos all 2, 4, 6, and 8.  Lots had to change in our hearts and lives.  We had so much to learn through parenting the first four to get us to the place where we could parent our little girls.

I'm filled with other why's too right now as I really read this book again...

I have become painfully aware of many disruptions as well as families just struggling as they adjust to life with their newest family member.  Families who are bringing home waiting kids and even families that have been waiting for almost five years for their "healthy" child to come home. 

I wonder and wonder over how these families could have prepared for an adoption, taken classes, read books, etc. and yet still never heard or understood just how hard it can be. 

Adoption is wonderful, incredible, and amazing!  But it is also the hardest thing I have every done.  Harder than marriage.  Harder than four other kids' pregnancies and childbirth experiences.

Sure I prayed for and wished for the perfect Hallmark card, made for TV moment.  I longed for the easy adjustment and blending of our family together.  But I also read and tried to prepare for the worst and to expect the unknown.

Here we sit again on the edge, ready to dive into the adventure of bringing our next child home again.  Honestly, I am anxious and nervous.  Really it's more concern.  See, I've learned that God has a funny way of getting me prepared for what's next when I least expect it.  (Won't even go into the summer of "teaching" teenagers in gang territory.)  I've learned to pray and ask God to teach me what He wants me to learn in the midst of difficult times, because I've also learned that if I don't get it the first time...I'll be right back in a similar mess again.  (Hmmmm...two adoptions?  What did I miss the first time?)  So learning about all these families struggling right now, concerns me. 

God?  What's coming around the bend?

Think I will really READ the entire book this time!  And add a few more to my reading list.

Hadassah, Honey, whatever we'll face in the future as you join our family, know this one thing - YOU ARE LOVED!!!  First by a God who is crazy about you!  And second, third, fourth, and etc. by a whole family of seven who are wild about you too!  Baby-girl, your mama loves you!