Listening...

Maybe God doesn't give me billboards lit with neon lights, but He does smack me up side of the head some days.  Read my post from yesterday?  Get the sense that I need to learn to let God be in control?

First of all, I sat down the afternoon in a quiet moment and read my devotional for the day.

Today's scripture - Isaiah 55:8-9

"For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
Nor are your ways My ways," says the Lord. 
"For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
So are My ways higher than your ways,
And My thoughts than your thoughts."

Hmmmm...do you think God might be trying to tell me something?  Like, stop trying to micro
-mannage the Creator of the universe.  Stop trying to plan out just how God needs to work in my life.  Duh!  He's in control!

Yeah, I must not have been totally getting it yet.

Riding in my vehicle has become challenging.  Caleb is getting close to his 16th birthday and longing for the coveted, rite of passage - a driver's lisence.  So I've been letting him drive at every opportunity possible to hopefully improve his somewhat limited and frightening skills.  However, when Caleb drives, there can be no sound in the car.  No talking, giggling, laughing.  Zip!  Which also means no radio or CD music playing.  It's killing me!  Plus even when he's not driving, my little boys have been listening to the CD for the musical they are rehearsing at church. UGH!  I'm suffering from a lack of tunes!

So I had to run around town to pick up Caleb's wallet that he lost at the doctor's office earlier in the day and take it to him at his debate tournament so he had money and didn't starve to death.  Christopher was just getting ready to leave work after I had picked up the boys from school.  Idea!  I took the boys to him, they all got to go home, and I had alone, drive time.

First thing I did was hit the "Play" button on the CD and crank up the volume.  I didn't really care what was in the CD player as long as it was my music.

I keep some of my current favorites in my car just for times when I'm alone.  One of the CD's that has been residing there has been Steven Curtis Chapman's latest CD "Beauty Will Rise".  I like having it in my car because the songs make me cry.  Sound crazy?  If there are no kids in the car, I can drive in isolation and cry and sing all I want, without anyone asking "What's wrong, Mom?" or laughing at me.  (They all know the song "Christmas Shoes" always makes me cry so they laugh whenever it plays on the radio during the Christmas season.)

The music had just started to play in the background while my mind was wandering to my CD wish list, pondering how and when I could aquire the "Fireproof" soundtrack.  Gradually the music and the words of the next song began to call me out of my own mind.  Though SCC wrote all of these songs after the loss of his precious daughter Maria, God began to speak to my heart about our adoption...

"Our God Is In Control" by SCC

"This is not how it should be
This is not how it could be
But this is how it is
And our God is in control
This is not how it will be
When we finally will SEE
We'll SEE with our own eyes
He was always in control

And we'll sing Holy, Holy, Holy is our God
And we will finally, really understand what it means
So We'll sing Holy, Holy, Holy is our God
While we're waiting for that day

This is not where we planned to be
When we started this journey
But this is where we are
And our God is in control
Though this first taste is bitter
There will be sweetness forever
When we finally taste and SEE
That our God is in control...."

Could the Lord say it any clearer?  He is the one in control.  Not me.

I rewound and listened to the words again.  Two huge thoughts lingered in my mind. 

First, this whole adoption right now is definitely not what I planned for my life.  In fact, I never dreamed about having six kids.  Period!  Growing up as a kid, I originally wanted only two.  A boy and a girl.  The "perfect family"  Done!  Somewhere along the way I upped the number to four, but Christopher and I negotiated pre-marriage to just three.  That was until after Josiah was born.  We looked at one another and knew that someone was still missing from our family.  Elijah!  So this going to China twice for two daughters wasn't part of any of those plans.  But again, someone is missing from our family. 

Secondly, older child adoption is just hard.  I know that some other parents who have adopted toddlers and preschoolers feel it too.  Missing out on the "firsts" of your child's life.  But when you've also missed six whole years of their life, I wonder and question God at times with huge WHY's.  Why did she have to be gone from our family for so long?  I wonder how the long years of separation could be part of His plan..."This is not how it should be / This is not how it could be / But this is how it is / And our God is in control."

Before Keziah came home, I journaled about how God had spoken to my heart in these questions about how I was busy during her years in China doing just what He wanted and needed me to do here.  Learning to trust His wisdom for my youngest daughter still waiting to come home continues to challenge and grow my faith. 

This adoption journey is so different from before.  Aspects of the paperwork are simplier and more familiar.  But the pace is so much faster.  The pressure is so much greater.  I hear a ticking clock in my head every day.  I feel so driven by deadlines to get paperwork completed and to bring her home as quickly as possible.  At times, I'm losing my focus on God, His will, His plan, and His perfect timing. 

Father, give me peace in the storm.  May I rest in Your control.  May I continue to sing "Holy, Holy, Holy" all my days, giving You the prasie and glory that are Yours.