The Journey Through

Okay, I've been stewing on this one for a few days.  Never intended to blog about it.  Thought that griping to my hubby and whining to a few friends would be enough for me to process through...but not.  I need to write.

Don't know if I've ever blogged about the fact that we are a martial arts kinda family?

Long before the girls came home we started doing Tae Kwon Do.  It started as just a summer activity for the three boys...plus I signed Miranda up too, telling her that if her brothers were learning to kick and punch then she should too...and I also signed myself up since I didn't want to just sit for two hours a week twiddling my thumbs.  A short, little, six-week, summer class has become a six year family sport.  We've ebbed and flowed in our commitment.  Adopting two Chinese princesses has sent me off track in a lot of areas so currently I'm trying to work my way back up to speed.  However, three of us are black belts and the two little boys are getting really close.  Plus now that the girls are home, they LOVE it!

So that's the background part.  Now for the this week stuff...

Took five kids to class earlier this week.  Hadasssah got into a mood early on in the class.  Though she loves kicking and punching, sometimes she just gets tired out and bored.  So much to learn with the added challenge of learning it all in a new language.

In total Hadassah fashion, she flopped down on the floor in the middle of the action to pout and whine.  She was not safe and was causing a safety hazzard for the other kids.  So her mama kicked off her sandals and snatched her off the mats.  Cuddled my littlest girl in my arms and informed her that she could participate or not, but she could not puddle herself on the floor.

Happy ending to this story would be that she immediately snapped out of her fit and happily trotted off to kick some butt...

...Yeah, you already guessed that this wasn't a happy ending kinda story...

...Reality?  The littlest princes ramped up her fit.  Add in crying and screaming.  Now she's a loud distraction so we take our little show out the door. 

Our TKD studio recently re-located inside a fitness center.  So we started by just moving outside the upper level track area.  The shock of being taken out quieted our fit down a bit.  I sat down on a bench hoping that she'd finish and we could quickly go back into class.

WRONG!

Now there was a much bigger space to fill with her screaming and crying.  Snatched that baby girl up one more time and took her outside to the curb in front of the fitness center.

So she screamed a bit.  I paced back and forth a bit, thinking I might as well be a little active while she exercised her lungs. 

The screams were just beginning to calm down to whimpers and whines when a sweet, older gentleman came out of the fitness center.

(This is the part where everything goes wrong.)

He was really a very nice man.  Asking her what was wrong.  When I responded that she was just a little mad, he asked me if I had asked her why she was mad.  Well, yes, but I also tried to explain that she had only been home since January so we're still working through some adjustment issues.

Now he turned to Hadassah and asked if she wanted a drink of water.  Tears stop, she gets up, takes his hand, and he walks her inside to buy her a bottle of water from the front desk.  He went home with his wife, and Hadassah happily carried her bottle of water back to class.

So what went wrong, you are probably asking...

...She didn't finish her fit!

She strutted back into class, proudly carrying that bottle of water.  Keziah saw it and immediately started to whine for water.  Hadassah hopped back into class but with a totally saucy, sassy attitude.

Now I did have four thirsty kids after class who had also forgotten to bring their own bottles of water (important lesson re-learned for them cuz this mama doesn't carry everybody's water).  That bottle of water and all their germs were passed around the car on the drive home.

The most important thing though was that Hadassah didn't finish getting out all her anger and frustration!

My first four kiddos started the process of teaching me some very important life lessons that have helped me as I prepared to parent our adopted girls.  Then a lot of the reading and preparation I did during the process of our adoptions only reinforced these lessons. 

Sometimes, you just have to go through difficult emotions - anger, grief, sorrow, rage, disappointment...

Keziah raged a lot during the first few weeks home.  She would kick and scream and curse at us in Chinese.  I would hold her sometimes for an hour while she raged out in anger.  Then I was also there to hold her when she was frightened and scared, afraid that same anger might have made me stop loving her.  I comforted her and reassured her of our love.

One time, Keziah was suddenly very sad and weepy while we were with grandparents.  They started to try to distract her with sweets, but I had to stop them. 

This is the hard part.  We don't run away from our girls intense emotions or try to short circuit the process for them.  The truth is that adoption is painful and difficult.  My girls need to be angry.  Losing your home and all of life as you have known it stinks.  Learning a new language and struggling to communicate takes them right back to the frustrations of a two-year-old but cognatively they were six and seven years old, with thoughts and emotions they can't find the words to communicate.  My girls need to weep and grieve the losses in their lives - friends and caregivers and most of all their birth families.

We can't go around this.  We can't hide from it.  We have to help them go through this difficult journey.

Sir, you were so sweet to my precious little girl.  But she needed to get it out.  I needed to be the one to step in and comfort her.  I needed to help her recover, to wipe away her tears.  Your bottle of water stopped her tears but not her pain.  It is still there.  Now, I have to wait for another day, another fit, another meltdown moment.  I don't know when it will come next, but it will come.  We still have to get through it.

Please know, World, that I do sometimes look like the world's meanest mom, but I love all my kids passionately.  I work very hard every day to help them grow into the beautiful adults God has planned for them to be.

Also note, we sometimes seek help in our parenting journey.  For Hadassah and Keziah, we have already chatted with our social worker about the struggles they are experiencing right now, and she's planning to share information about an adoption specialist who might be able to work with our little girls now that Hadassah has gained more language skills.  I fought hard to bring these girls home to their forever family.  I fight hard for their needs daily.  I will continue to fight to get whatever help we need to get through the difficult and painful journey as they discover their identity and learn to be loved.

Adoption is a long and difficult journey that last a lifetime.  We will press on through because I have already seen the other side and it is beautiful.  I see it in my girls smiles and laughter as they run free to be the precious creations of their heavenly Father, who loves them even more.