Conflicted

So day after day after day, all I can think about is my girl coming home.  Yes, I do whine about it...often.  However, right now I have slipped into an almost paralyzing panic. 

Christopher put it in days tonight -  "What if we left in 45 days?"

I think I literally stopped breathing when he said that!

I want to go, BUT!!!!!

I'm not finished painting.  I can't find time to finish anything!  I've got books to put back on bookshelves in rooms I've finished so that I can move on to other spaces, but I'm struggling to keep clothes clean and food on the table much less strip wallpaper. 

Part of me wants to start putting things into a suitcase NOW!  Oh, yeah, we don't have our suitcases for this trip yet.  They are on order, but not here yet.  Why new suitcases?  We've bought cheap, and we've bought expensive suitcases in the past.  The airlines can destroy ANYTHING!!!  Plus even when I thought I bought something WITH a warranty, I learned that most suitcase warranties don't cover anything that happens to them when you travel?!?!?!?  Finally found one with a real product guarantee!  More than I'd like to pay, but I searched and waited for a price we thought we could afford.  Plus, if I never have to buy another suitcase again...it's worth it!

Then there are all the things I need to shop for the trip - things for Hadassah, things for us, gifts for officials and the staff.  Oh!  That only gets me started!  What if we travel close to or before or during Christmas?!?  I haven't done anything about presents!  What about gingerbread houses for my kids' school?  Or concerts and recitals I might miss?  My house!  I need to clean the pantry and declutter and reorganzie everything.  Meals!  I need to have meals frozen.  How many?  While we're gone or for when we get home? 

What about my five kid at home!?!?  I'm missing them already.  How will I check grades and make sure their lunches are packed?  Will they be dressed warm enough?  My arms ache at the thought of being so far away from them for two weeks.  I need to smell sweaty little boy heads.  Will their clothes be clean? 

Right now, tonight, I have no idea how I can do this...any of it.  My head hurts.  I'm tired deep in my core kind of tired.

Hadassah, come home.  Mama loves you, baby girl.  This is just so hard.  Not one step of the adoption process is easy.  Okay, I'll take that back.  The first step is easy.  Looking at your beautiful face and knowing that you are my daughter was so easy.  The rest is the hard stuff.  Loving you will be easy.  Getting to you will be hard.  I swore when I got off that airplane with Keziah that I would NEVER do that again!  Well, I qualified that too.  I actually said something more like only God could get me back on a plane for 14 hours or traveling for more than 36 hours again.  Doesn't He have such a funny sense of humor?

Father God, through Your strength and Your wisdom alone can I make it through these next few weeks and months.  Hold me in Your arms.  I need my Big Daddy God right now.