Did you get new glasses?

Okay, I can't believe that I'm actually about to blog this.  I'm going from incredibly private to incredibly public with the push of a few buttons...

My four oldest kids have been enjoying an inside joke with me and watching my predictions come true.  Now for the whole story.

Four homegrown kids and two adoptions (very stressful!) have taken a toll on me.  Even in the early days of my parenting journey, I did manage to have a life for myself - book clubs, crafting, and "me" time.  More kids and more demands on my time has just about wiped out my personal identity, other than I'm _______'s mom.  After Hadssah came home last year, I was so absorbed in all the NEEDS in our home that I truly began to get lost.

Over the summer, Christopher and I began to talk about some of the things that I needed to do to start taking better care of me.  A HUGE part of that discussion was the fact that I wanted and needed to take the necessary steps for me to start getting back to a healthy weight.  I've played this yo-yo game for so many years that I know exactly what I need to do.  BUT that doesn't mean that I like it! 

For me personally, I have to join Weight Watchers just so I am accountable to someone else reading the scale.  I lie to myself!  OH YEAH!  "I'm only about five pounds over what I weighed on my weding day.  (times a whole lot)"  "I'll start tomorrow...next week..."  "This is my absolute highest weight limit, and then I'll start losing...Okay, five more pounds, but then..."  I need the format of the program to help guide me to make the right food choices and portion control (that I already know I need).  I need the motivation to actually do the exercise (which I hate).  Paying the money hurts.  But I will do it, if I paid for it.  Plus, I've discovered that I truly am a sticker-chart, highly competitive girl. 

However, as we talked over the summer months, we both recognized that I needed to wait until ALL the kids went back to school in the fall before I could really begin to focus on myself, take the time to go to meetings, make the time to exercise, and plan better for our meals.  Fall - our plan was for me to join WW in the fall. 

Then our world got totally rocked with Christopher's prostate cancer diagnosis.

Yes, it was caught early.  Yes, his prognosis was good.  Yes, he is doing well now after surgery and things look great.

BUT the C-word is really scary no matter how "good" things might be.  The FEAR is at times overwhelming.  Knowing that your spouse faces major surgery...

See...we have SIX kids! 

And our wedding day vows surely included some unspoken clause that "until death do us part" was supposed to last a long time.

No bailing out now!

The reality that I needed and wanted my husband to do whatever to took to continue to be here for me as my best friend and the daddy to our kids also meant that I needed to return the favor for him.

My own father had his first heart attack at only 49.  His second and by-pass surgery at 50. 

The clock is ticking for me! 

Eighteen years ago, 49 seemed a long way of in the distance for me personally.  Now?  Not so much.

Both of my younger brothers and I have had to watch our cholestrol levels.  I think all three of us are now taking meds to help reduce those numbers.  Doctors shake in their boots when we review my family health history, even though I'm a woman.

So Christopher and I had a new deal - He would lose his prostate, and I would lose weight!

I did mention that this is something really private for me, right?

Kids went back to school, all of them, finally all day in September.  I joined WW and started attending meeting mid-September.  BUT I told no one!  Christopher knew, but the kids did not.  The kids didn't even know that I was walking on our treadmill until some of them had to stay home sick. 

Gradually, the older four discovered that Mom was following the WW plan and losing weight.  However, I forced them to take a vow of silence!  They couldn't tell anyone!!!  They had to keep my secret.

Why?

Cuz I hate the pressure!  People watching every bite I take, watching what I buy at the grocery store, and commenting and criticizing me.  Drives me crazy!  Makes me feel totally defeated!

With their vow of silence, I shared a little secret with them.  Our private joke. 

I told you that I've done this before.  I got soooooo close to my goal weight after Miranda was born, like only 5 or 10 pounds away, before I was pregnant with Josiah.  I've tried other times and then lost my focus with the distractions of kids and financially difficult time when we just couldn't afford to pay for accountablility.  I know that when you are REALLY heavy and overweight you have to lose a LOT before anyone notices.  It used to be so hard for me and really depressing because I would wait so long to hear positive words when the world finally noticed.

So, I told the kids what would happen...

I warned them that their mom would have to lose 30-40 pounds before someone might ask, "Did you color you hair?"

They've been waiting and listening...

Now I probably do need to add the disclaimer that I do a really good job of hiding in my "fat" clothes.  My frumpy mom style of baggy sweatshirts and long, tunic style tops hides my not-so-glamorous figure well.  Plus, my waredrobe hasn't changed (yet).

So the first comments began with, "Wow!  That's a really great color on you."  (It was)

But our all time favorite right now, "Did you get new glasses?"

Honestly, my kids have confessed that they have worked really hard NOT to roll on the floor laughing everytime we've heard this recently.  Oh!  And we've heard it a lot in the past month!  Like getting close to a dozen times now.

My glasses are one year old.  I've been wearing them almost every day that entire year, because I've gotten too lazy to mess with my contacts.  The glasses aren't new.

But what people are responding to is the fact that my face has changed.  Lots more than just my face is changing, but that is where they are seeing it.  Hence, the reason they are "seeing" my glasses for the first time.

To date, I've lost almost 40 pounds.  My secret wouldn't be staying a secret for much longer, even without posting it to the whole world.  I still have a lot more to lose.  Not proud or happy about that fact.  That is the hardest part.  My "great" accomplishment is hidden by just how much more I need to lose.

However, this is not a diet for me.  I'm not focused only on a number on the scale.  I am becoming healthier for myself and my family.  This has to be a permanent life change.  My husband and kids need me.  (REALLY!)  Yes, I want to stop being seen as their "fat" mom (especially for my Chinese-critical daughter Keziah...who hasn't even noticed yet).  I want the world to be able to see me for the person I am without the distraction of my weight. 

I am ______'s mom! 

But I'm also a pretty awesome person all my own!

Nope, I didn't get new glasses, but there is a lot less of me to see.