The Honeymoon Is OVER!

Truthfully, our “honeymoon” with Keziah did not last long at all. Maybe a few hours or overnight in China. Some internationally, older, adopted children especially will be timid and quiet for an extended period of time before coming out of their shell once they feel safe. Not my girl! Keziah exhibited other testing behaviors almost from day one. Negative behaviors are also a very common reaction. The child is asking deep questions through their behaviors


Will you love me and accept me if_____?

Will you reject me?

Will you send me away?

How will you discipline me? Will you hurt me?

Where are my new boundaries?

Our precious girl started immediately trying to figure out this new family. One of my fondest China memories is of Christopher sitting outside a store we had been shopping in, with Keziah in a cuddly restraining hold, as she screamed, cried, and cussed him out in Chinese making declaration that he was not her daddy, he whispered in her ear, “I love you. There is nothing you can do that will make me stop loving you.” Though she couldn’t understand his words, she clearly understood the meaning and intent because she only screamed louder and spit in his face. Gotta love that girl.

If you met our princess in our early days of becoming a family, you would hardly recognize her now. It’s not just things like speaking English or having longer hair. She has changed so much behaviorally. We came home with our newborn, 6 ½ year old girl who behaved more like a 2 or 3 year old child. Now our seven year old is thriving in kindergarten, requesting play dates and sleepovers with her friends.

So why do I write that the honeymoon is over?

Life is changing…again...as always. Keziah is challenged with new thoughts of returning to China and becoming a sister. Life is getting more challenging. She is experiencing new levels of responsibility at school and home. My sweetheart who just began learning to speak English 14 months ago is now reading sight words. And as her parents, we are holding her responsible for her behavior and actions in new ways too.

Fun things she is enjoying – taking a shower instead of a bath, the bedroom switch which promises her a new room to share with Hadassah (as soon as I paint it), the upstairs dormer and bath area transforming into Girl World.

Not so fun – Behavior reports! Keziah’s teacher reports on her school behavior each day through a face system. A smiley face is a great day! A squiggle face means you have misbehaved and received a warning. A straight face or frowny face are really NOT good. Keziah has never had anything worse than a squiggly face…even when she slapped a boy in line for looking at her. At the beginning of the year, she would have several squiggly faces each month. Then, we had two months of smiley faces every day! Now…not so good. A squiggle face comes home every week.

She knows we don’t like squiggle faces at home. Last week, she came home with a squiggle face and attempted to hide the details of the incident. She was reluctant to tell Christopher and really didn’t want me to know. I guess when you are kicking someone during circle time on the floor, you might not want your parents to know. Usually we would just communicate how disappointed we were in her behavior. The end.

Now though…she kicked a boy in class…it was time for a home consequence. She had been playing upstairs by herself so I decided that her consequence would be taking a break from playing for a few minutes. She had to sit and look at books for a few minutes, no playing. (Note – this is the same girl who disobeys bedtime and stays up late many a night reading books.)

OH MY! If you heard the screams and tears in our home that night, you would have thought we were beating the poor child! She had a complete meltdown! Threw herself on the stairs, refusing to go read any books. Weeping uncontrollably. It was unbelievable.

Last night we had another incident. There was the squiggle face consequence that afternoon, again. This time we had her get three books and read them at the dining room table .(Yeah, after the fit before, she trashed her room and colored instead of reading.) Whew! No meltdown.

Dinner…a completely different story.

All my kids have their own preferences when it comes to food. I have picky eaters and those who will eat almost anything. “Yuck” and “I don’t like this” are common exclamations at our dinner table. Keziah’s tastes have continued to change constantly since she came home. I cannot predict what she will or won’t eat from day to day. Though I haven’t fought many food battles with my other four, I do ask Keziah to try different food each night.

Last night, it was the deviled eggs. She loves hard boiled eggs and lived on them for breakfast after we first arrived home. So I didn’t think it would be a big deal to get her to try one.

Not only did it get yucked with a sour face, but Keziah also declared, “It tastes like POOP!”

It was time for a proper dinner behavior lesson. You can yuck my cooking, but you can’t declare it “poop” at the table. I calmly asked her to hop down for a short time out. Christopher escorted her to sit for a three minute time out.

Remember the crying and screaming from last week? Sounded again like we had beaten her again.

After her three minute timer sounded, she still wasn’t ready to return to the table when her Daddy came to get her. She stewed and whimpered for a couple more minutes. She stomped back into the kitchen glaring at me. When I asked if she’d like to finish her dinner, she burst into tears again. Finally she recovered enough to finish eating. She brushed her teeth and crawled into bed. Her Daddy and I kissed her and hugged her goodnight and all was right in the world again.

Parenting is tough stuff. Adoptive parenting? This is a bumpy, curvy journey. You live the journey moment by moment, never knowing what lies around the bend.