This morning I followed a link and read this article...
...then I posted the link on my own Facebook page.
It is very well written and offers great tips for prospective and newly adoptive families and those who desire to support and encourage them in their journey as a family!
So why am I writing my own blog post?
Because the adoptive journey doesn't stop. It doesn't follow some predictable or linear path that applies to every family or every child.
YES! I am a HUGE advocate for educating family, friends, and local churches that an adoptive family's "newborn" phase with their child can last MUCH longer than the typical six-weeks of a birth child, regardless of the age of the child at adoption and especially if the child is "older."
I'm so incredibly thankful for all my online mentor moms and support network that held my cyber-hand with virtual-((hugs)) and typed words of encouragement during the first weeks and months after we brought Keziah home. "SIX MONTHS!" they kept telling me, "Hold on! Don't loose hope! No matter how dark this tunnel feels right now, six months from now you will discover that a miracle occurred and you are breathing again."
Having done this adoption thing twice now, THEY WERE SO RIGHT! The fog began to lift...the veil parted...there was a light at the end of our tunnel as our family began to enter the world of our new normal.
HOWEVER...
(sounds better the "BUT" today)
...the journey isn't over yet!
January 2011, Peiwu came home. She's been home almost 3 1/2 years now. (Keziah home January 2009, almost 5 1/2 years)
I'd love to write about how "perfect" life is now! How all our love erased years of institutionalization, lack of stimulation, hunger, malnutrition, neglect, abuse, and loss! How her emotional heart is healed and whole!
But I can't...
Just last night, I lamented to my hubby that it is so hard sometimes to watch pictures scroll across my computer's screen saver of our life. During her first two years home, we did things, went places, lived our life differently than we can now. I see images of our family using a season pass to a local amusement park. Smiles! Laughter! Fun together as a family! Images of the family joining the marching band for a long bus ride for Disney World trip. Sweet memories! Images of carefree gatherings with family and friends.
Now?
I can't even take Peiwu to the grocery store for milk. I can't dash into the library to pick up a few books. Attending any event or gathering is tempered with worry and concern. Will we be able to stay? For how long? What is my back-up/exit plan? Can I safely drive home the distance in full meltdown mode?
It's been a year now since Summer School 2013.
Something happened...some catalyst...some trigger. What? We don't know. Whatever it was launched horrific PTSD symptoms for our princess.
Life wasn't perfect before, but outbursts and issues were more manageable. We seemed to constantly be moving forward. Slowly but surely finding our way and holding on to hope.
Then the bottom of our world fell out...spiraling out of control...backwards and upside down.
Peiwu is still our amazing little princess! She makes unbelievable progress in some areas of her life! And then...unexplained regression...fears...struggles.
Can I just tell you that this girl has an unlimited FIGHT-flight-or- freeze response?!?
A rage burns within her broken heart, struggling against her, choking away life.
It hurts this mama to watch her baby hurting...
Today, my cell phone rang as I began to drive away from the Summer School building after dropping off my big boy, Josiah, to spend his afternoon helping a teacher. "...Mrs. Wade...Pewiu..." That's about all I needed to hear before I turned my car around to quickly park and hop out for a detour within my day's plan.
Pewiu was in crisis...again. Major meltdown fit! Out of control! A danger to herself and others...that sweet tiny little thing.
Twice before during the final weeks of school, I had to dash to school near the end of the day to retrieve my melted princess and bring her home because she had reached the point of no return. I didn't want to snatch her up again and reinforce or establish the pattern that "bad" behavior earns her extra mommy time.
While her teacher and the counselor stood by, I coaxed my little one up onto my lap for snuggles and a back rub (deep tissue massage) so she could calm down and share her troubles with me (switch from emotional right-brain & lower-reptilian-brain fit to logical left-brain & upper-cortex speech). While I coached a few deep breaths (calming technique), her teacher had the counselor grab her snack bag. Though she had refused anything during the height of this massive fit, now she readily accepted sips of her green tea (comforting sweetness and serotonin mimicking) and munched on a hard-boiled egg (protein source...ideal every two hours). Breathing and speech patterns returned to normal as the princess unloaded her troubles. Hit by a ball during P.E. and desiring a different blanket. Easy fixes! Help remind me to pack her fuzzy butterfly blanket in her backpack tonight so she can have TWO blankets to choose from each day and not be tempted or upset by someone else's blanket. How special! TWO BLANKETS! And before she headed back to class, while giving final hugs and kisses, Mama noticed a bruise developing on her arm. That ball did hit her HARD! And I goofed by rubbing the spot too hard. It definitely hurt the princess. Add a couple more promises from her teacher and Mama to make sure we rubbed some comforting lotion on her owie when she returned to class and home from school on the bus.
Off she went to enjoy SCIENCE and building their special classroom community this afternoon!
What will she be like when she comes off the bus tonight?
I've got no clue!
We might have a lovely evening of smiles or face more unexpected battles and storms loaming on the horizon.
This journey of parenting...and especially adoptive parenting...has been a source of unending education and enlightenment as the Master Potter continues to mold and shape this lump of clay.
Attachment...brain development...learning challenges...and on and on and on...somewhere in the plethora of challenges our family faces I must surely be close to earning a PhD in something, if I got actual credit for all the hours of therapy, reading, conferences, workshops, classes, and in-the-trenches life experience!!!
I wish there was an "EASY" button I could push!
I wish I had all the answers and solutions!
...but it's not the destination that is most important...IT'S THE JOURNEY!
Along the way we will continue to grow and change. We will meet more people and build more relationships. We will discover new and amazing treasures. And hopefully, the wake we leave behind as we blaze this path will help others on a similar journey, give hope, shine a flicker of light into dark and lonely places.
(phone just rang again...the school...again..."Mrs. Wade, just wanted to let you know...")
The Bottom Line of today's ramblings...
(Assuming you already know that EVERYONE faces their own STORMS - struggles, challenges, difficulties. If they are in the midst a storm today, either they just passed through one or they will be heading into one in their future.)
Please know that just because a piece of paper was signed and stamped, or an airplane landed, or a judge ordered, or a certain number of days, weeks, months, or years have passed for an adoptive family does NOT mean that they have arrived...the hard part is over...it's done & finished...check the box...the buzzer sounded.
Just like our personal journey of faith and adoption as one of God's precious children in His family, the process of becoming a family through adoption is messy, twisted, painful, difficult...and BEAUTIFUL!
What a blessing to watch the process of transformation up so close!
I get to have my face smushed up against the glass every day!
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