Good Friday - Not My Will

How is it possible that I've almost let another month go by without posting?

Oh, wait!  I know!

LIFE!!!

And a whole lot of insanity around here…basically normal stuff.

Today we celebrate Good Friday.  We remember Christ's death on the cross.  We grieve His burial in a tomb.  And then we wait for Easter Sunday, His resurrection.  We ponder the price paid for the forgiveness of our sins and treasure the free gift of salvation we have received.

Today I am flooded with a new perspective of this holiday weekend.

First of all, I probably need to back all the way up to January.  My youngest boy child, Elijah, suffered a concussion in computer class.  

I know!  Sounds crazy!  But just remember that this is Wade World!  We do crazy every day!

Elijah is very sensitive about blood and body stuff.  Can't even talk much around him, or he get queasy.  So the teacher started out the semester and learning to keyboard properly with a little video about carpal tunnel syndrome.  She warned the kids beforehand that it showed an actual surgery so they might not want to watch that part.  Elijah tried, but it was really getting to him - hot flashes, cold sweat, nausea.  His first thought was to get out of class, so he asked the teacher for a pass to the restroom.  While he waited for her to sign his pass out of class, he passed out…fainted…head ricocheting off the podium and a cabinet before hitting the floor.  Add to all that drama waking up to find the entire class staring at you with a bloody nose.  Not fun!  

Then we got to learn all about what a concussion is, what it feels like, how you recover, how long it takes, and just how boring recovery can be.  For an active 13-year-old boy, no screen time of any kind, no reading, no physical activity, no nothing is pure torture.  He even had to complete 5 days of physical therapy before being released to return to sports.  Agony!

Fast forward to last week…

Trying to help Josiah finish up a late night homework project by retrieving a rubber band, I whack my own head on an open cabinet door over my desk.  HARD!  Worse than any of the dozens of other times I've hit my head.  Cut open my scalp and gave myself a concussion.  

No, I didn't go to the doctor.  I'm a mom!  I knew what they would tell me and just didn't have the time to drive myself to a doctor so they could tell me not to drive and do what I already knew I needed - REST!  

Elijah was so concerned about me.  That first morning before he left for school, I got a mini-lecture from my son - no media and don't ht your head again.  We bonded over head trauma.  I had new appreciation, understanding, and empathy for what he had suffered.  He could understand me when I described my symptoms.

A week later, I'm better, but concussion recovery can take much longer than I ever knew before!  

Fast forward again to Wednesday night…

Elijah comes home from youth group at church with Miranda and her boyfriend.  He's complaining about boy pain but can't remember any injury during game time.  (Nine Square In The Air!  Loves it!)  I do what any mom would do - "Go ask your father!"  Not my area of expertise.  I did offers a bag of ice with my good-night wishes.

Thursday morning, a very tired boy tells us that he couldn't sleep most the night from the pain…

Where is the parenting manual when you need it?!?

What do you do?

What's the right choice?

What's the crazy overprotective mom option?

What's the neglectful parent option?

I'm so confused!!!!

Feeling like I was surely making a mistake by letting the boy stay home from school the day before Easter holiday, I decided to take him to the doctor's office and stay home until I knew everything was okay.  I didn't even know if I needed an appointment or could walk-in to the early morning clinic hour reserved for normal issues like colds and upset tummies.  Called first and then dashed out the door with Elijah and Peiwu, who hadn't left for school yet.  

Then things really started to spin out of control…

The nurse practitioner didn't find anything really alarming but to be cautiously safe sent us across town to have a ultra-sound, with only one hour before we were supposed to check-in.  

Rushed to take Peiwu to school late now and still make it on time.

Made it!  Sonogram tech took lots of pictures but never indicated anything good or bad.  She just said they'd get the results to the doctor soon and that we should call if we hadn't heard anything.  

Okay, I didn't get breakfast, and it was now lunch time.  I've got my boy with me so we started looking for somewhere GOOD for an unplanned lunch date.  Found The Cheesecake Factory!  Pulled into the parking lot.  Just about to introduce my foodie son to something delicious…

***  Cell phone rings  ***

Change of plans!  Doctor's office and radiologist have decided that we need to see a urologist TODAY!  Wait!  Hold please.  No, change that.  Take your son immediately to the children's hospital downtown.  Go to the ER!  We will call ahead to have a surgeon ready to meet with you when you arrive to decide what is the best option.  And do NOT let the boy eat or drink anything!  Just in case he needs surgery.

As we walked into the second hospital for the day, Elijah said, "No needles and no surgery."  Uhm…son…we don't really get to make that call when we are dashing to the ER.  But fortunately it did remind me to let all the hospital staff know that this kiddo really doesn't like medical stuff.  

I will spare you T.M.I. and my son's privacy.  But God gets all the glory, praise, and thanks on this one!!!  I learned HUGE information that they don't send home with boy mamas on day one!  If your son complains of pain, especially severe pain not linked to an injury or accident, go straight to the ER!! 

We are so blessed by God's protection of our son!  So thankful that he is home recovering from some relatively minor surgery.  The hospital staff took good care of my boy and made sure to put him to sleep with gas before trying to start an IV, especially since it took five sticks.

So what does this have to do with Good Friday?

Our weekend plans have been altered.  

My Thursday plans were totally abandoned!  

Life stopped

"…not my will, but yours be done." (Luke 22:42)

This is not the Easter holiday weekend I pictured.  Not at all what I planned for.  Not what I would have ever wished for my son.

I truly have wondered today how God did it.  How did He allow His Son to suffer so much pain and die on that cross?  

If there was anything I could have done to prevent or stop my son's pain, I would have done it.

God, how could You, knowing all, allow that first sin?  Knowing that Your Son would suffer?

Watching the fear and the tears well up in his eyes, broke my heart.  Even knowing that this was for his good, didn't make it any easier.  If I could have taken his pain, taken the surgery for him, I would have.  

God, how did You not put a stop to it?  How did You watch Your Son pleading for another way and not move heaven and earth to take the pain away?

I was by Elijah's side until he was prepared for surgery.  The nurses even forced my boy to kiss me good-bye, not knowing I'd already kissed his precious head privately before.  If they would have allowed me, I would have stayed the entire time, through surgery and recovery.  Waiting in the family room was agony.  No TV, books, snacks, or conversation provided distraction for my thoughts of my baby boy.

God, how could you turn your back on Your Son?  How could You look away?  How could You leave Him all alone during this time of great suffering and pain?

I am NOT a morning person.  I despise alarm clocks.  In fact, I struggle to wake up each morning to any alarm clock.  However, my kids all know that if you need something in the middle of the night, don't ask Dad.  No matter what the obstacle, find Mom.  Now if you want an early morning wake up call, Dad is your man.  I can sleep through the loudest alarm clock, but the tiniest whimper from one of my babies and I'm wide awake.  

Elijah's pain medication schedule - every 4 hours

I set alarms through the night for every 4 hours.  I may not be bright-eyed and bushy tailed, but I awoke every time it sounded.  I do not want my boy to suffer in pain! 

God, how did You wait for three days?  How did You force Yourself to wait?  His earthly friends and family mourned His death, believing Him gone forever.  His battered and broken body lay in a cold, dark tomb.  Knowing that He would not remain there for long, You waited.  But how?

It's Friday, but Sunday is coming!  

But how did You wait?  How could You linger over the pain, suffering, and separation from Your Son?

In my questioning, I discover the answers…

"For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life."  (John 3:16)

LOVE!!!

I love my son…I love all my kids!  Watching Elijah endure the pain of surgery was so hard, but I knew that he had to go through this suffering to stop the ongoing pain he was experiencing and bring health, healing to my boy.  I allowed him to be taken away and separated from me so the doctors and nurses could restore his body and bring him back to me.  (Broke my heart again tonight when he told me that one thing he remembers in recovery was asking for his mama.)

God loves me so much!  He longed to restore our relationship and bring healing to my brokenness.  He knew there was only one way…one very painful way…one way full of suffering.  

It has been a Good Friday!

We didn't attend a worship service.  In fact, it has been a pretty lazy day for most of the family.  We all were just exhausted after the emotional roller coaster ride on Thursday.  Elijah needed the physical rest. So much feels undone around here.  So many things just didn't happen like I planned.  Laundry piles, dirty dish, groceries not purchased, meals not cooked, and trash cans filled with take out.  

We survived!  

We will all recover!  

We have so much to be thankful for!

Easter looks very different this year…but every day points to reasons to celebrate the joy of my salvation and the blessing from my Savior!