It all started with a belt...

Purging is one word I tried to use to describe my actions and behaviors over the past three days.  However, a revelation of some OCD tendencies might be more accurate.

Sooooo?

Got dressed for church on Sunday morning.  Now my "church clothes" aren't really very dressy any more. I'm a little too active with the kids in Children's Worship for fancy dresses and heels.  My usual attire is pants or jeans and a nice top.  I do put on make-up!  Lipstick is a super important part of ministry!  I put on a pair of khaki pants that I had been waiting to wear.

Back in October, early in this weight loss journey (well, really a journey to a healthier lifestyle) I tried on a pair of pants that I hadn't worn in quite a while.  Now they are part of my "fat clothes" wardrobe, but I didn't wear them any more because I didn't even like how these "fat pants" fit.  When I tried them on, I told myself that I could wear them after losing another inch or two.

This journey is such a psychological battle ground!

I put them aside and never tried again.  Life got busy crazy!  But in reality, I was afraid.  Afraid of how I'd look.  Afraid of feeling defeated by a pair of pants.

Now?

Well, the pants did work well on Sunday morning while teaching about putting on the full armor of God (Ephesians 6:10-17)!  It's so easy to talk about how important it is to wear all the armor when you can keep pulling and tugging at your own pants to keep them up.

I NEEDED A BELT!

I have a belt!  It's a nice leather belt.  Good quality, and I bought it for a great price, on sale.  But...I probably haven't worn this belt in maybe 14 years!  I love this belt!

So after church, I started looking for my belt...

I couldn't find it!

It wasn't in any of the locations where I thought it should be in our bedroom and closet.  I searched through drawers and shelves.  I got out a step ladder to hunt through high closet shelves.  I explored a forgotten under-the-bed box.  All this searching only uncovered lots of ridiculous stuff I had kept.  Like a collection of worn out swimsuits!?!?  Why keep something yucky, if I had replaced it with something new?  And then, why keep more than one?

Now I was becoming a driven woman on a mission!  Next frontier - storage area (a.k.a. - total disaster area).  This is the forbidden zone where formerly organized storage meets too many people and too much stuff tossed aimlessly aside.  I used to attempt a real system of storage totes that I kept cataloged, but I became overwhelmed with keeping it up, and I have lots of people working against me.  Every time I organize something, somebody comes back and unorganizes it for me.  So I started pulling out every tote, bag, or box and searching for my belt.  In the process, I began sorting and cleaning up some of the mess.

I worked up quite a sweat (still wearing my church clothes) but never found my belt.

Now my dear sweet hubby chimes in, "Hey, Hon, have you checked any of the boxes up in the attic?  Or why don't you just go buy a new belt"

I have a slight fear of too much searching in the attic.  Christopher has put down some boards to create extra storage space...BUT in our previous home he used some particle boards in one area...and didn't necessarily tell me how important it was that I only walk where the boards rested on the beams in the attic.

So what is the visual picture in your head now?

No!  It was just my foot, and it was just a smallish hole through the ceiling in the dining room!

But I wanted to find that belt!  So I navigated the boards and beams carefully and cautiously.

Finally, I found my belt!!!

One nice plus of this process was that I also discovered some of my clothing that had been tucked away and stored since they didn't fit any more!  So even after finding my belt, I continued by sorting through my closet and these newly discovered old treasures.  Uhm...and I also discovered lots more trash or unwanted items.  Again...WHY?  Why keep things totally thread-bare or that I just hated?

Now it would be a nice ending to this mania to say that I ended this insanity on Sunday!

Welcome to my Monday...

Not only did I find clothes for myself during my great belt search, but I also shoveled through TONS of kid clothing.  I did NOT really sort through it on Sunday.  I told myself I could wait and clean it out another day.

MONDAY became that day!

I literally spent hours sorting through kid stuff.  I ended up packing NINE trash bags full of clothes and shoes that I took to a local thrift store.

UGH!  How did we end up with so much stuff!?!  (Yes, I know we have six kids!)

It felt so good just to feel like a small area of our lives was beginning to have some order.  Plus accomplishing this one task gives me hope that I can continue working on "little" projects around the house to bring more peace and order to a home filled with pack-rats and too much stuff.

So do you think I was done yet?

TUESDAY!

After finding my belt and some of my "long lost" clothing, I was suddenly haunted by what I didn't find...a pair of jeans!

Yep, just as crazy as looking for one belt I now had the mystery of a pair of jeans.  But these have always been special jeans to me.  When I first bought them, they were so special because they were the first pair of jeans ever that really fit well.  I'm not incredibly tall, but my legs are long for my height.  This was like the first pair of "long" jeans I ever found that fit me.  I loved not having to wear high-water pants!  Since they were so special to me, any time I have gained and then tried to loose weight, these have been my GOAL JEANS!  I mark my weight loss by how these jeans fit!

All day Monday, I thought about this pair of jeans and everywhere I had looked for that belt.  I just couldn't figure out where these jeans might be.  I was so afraid that some how I might have gotten rid of these jeans the last time I cleaned out my closet.  But it just didn't make sense to me that I would have gotten rid of them!  And then I started remembering other clothes that I hadn't found.

Where were all these missing pieces?

I began to remember one area of the attic where I did not search.  I had seen a couple more tote boxes and some of Christopher's old office furniture.  These things were way far away.  More beams to walk on.  :(  When I was up in the attic before I had assumed all of it was Christopher's stuff.

With my cell phone in my pocket (just in case) and my flashlight in hand, I carefully navigated the attic.

First tote - Christopher clothing.

Second tote - an old tent for camping.

Three random boxes - Miranda's stuff.

Now even farther away, I notice three more boxes tucked in a distant corner.  Guess whose name was written all over these boxes?

MINE!

JACKPOT!!!

Here were the final missing pieces of clothing!  MY JEANS!!!  A few more treasures.  A bit more unwanted items to donate.  I even found two more pairs of jeans in a smaller size than my favorite pair.

Now I've finished sorting and cleaning my clothes.  I found some now things.  I set aside some spring/summer items that I should be able to wear soon.  I've packed away, neatly organized right where I can find them, some clothing that I hope will fit again by fall.

Watch out, World!  I'm coming back!

Not trying to brag or boast.  My goals aren't focused on looking a certain way or wearing a certain size.  But it does feel so good to be reclaiming myself and my body as I become more healthy.  I feel better.

Even as I sort through clothes, I'm discovering who I am now.  I'm making real choices and decisions about what I want.

Christopher has been put on alert and has acknowledged that I am different this time around - I'm burning the ships!  I'm choosing to clean out my life as well as my closet.  As I'm shrinking, I'm also tossing out my safety net.  I am not keeping any more "fat clothes".

We've both realized some very important areas of our lives affected by the C-word.  For me, my health is one of these areas.  I had talked about making changes before his diagnosis.  After the word cancer entered the picture, my perspective changed.  I can't do anything about my DNA and my genetics.  I can choose to make changes to my lifestyle, diet, and health habits.  I planned to grow old with my best friend...and that is still what I long for.  I need Christopher to be my kids' daddy, and he needs me too.

Halting tonight's ramble so I can get some sleep...