Why? Why has an innocent photo of two children at play in China painfully ripped my heart open in the middle of the afternoon?
Because I know this playground from another photo taken over seven years ago...
Time has faded the bright yellow paint. The newness has worn off as the garden has grown where construction gravel and debris once lay. But I know this place, though I have never visited it before.
Today's image was posted by a team of volunteers visiting an orphanage in China to help support the staff and provide valuable training and supplies to help provide high quality care for the many special needs children living at this facility.
The other was taken in November 2008 when a heritage tour group returned with their adopted children to visit the newly opened facility. Less than two months later, the precious little girl in the photo was no longer an orphan. She officially became my daughter.
I remember reading from the woman who shared this picture with me before we traveled that I should not be fooled by that frowning face. She shared stories with me of a mischievous little imp with a beautiful smile and joy-filled laughter.
My beautiful girl!
This past weekend, she just finished performing in another musical drama camp.
Proud Mom Moment Warning...
She was AMAZING!!!
Before deciding to participate in this production, we talked about the musical the cast would be rehearsing and performing..."Annie, Jr."
Oh! It's a wonderful piece! Filled with familiar songs and fun characters to portray! What little girl doesn't imagine belting out "Tomorrow" from center stage with Sandy at her side?
We've watched all three movies as a family and critiqued the actors as well as the screenplay deviations from the original script. It's what we do as a family that loves books and theater. We love to anaylize and discuss and debate everything!
So it's not that the story was unfamiliar to my daughter that we proceded with caution. It's simply that "Annie" tells the story of orphans, an orphanage, and adoption.
These are not merely images taken from a comic strip in our lives or fictional characters on stage or film. These are the realities of our experiences and our lives as a family. Two of my daughters lived for years of their early lives as orphans. They lived within the walls of an orphanage or within a foster family's home. The adoption of my two little girls completed our family, as we also became intimately acquainted with the beauty and brokenness, the painful grief and loss mixed with joy that defines the daily journey of this life we've chosen. My oldest daughter and I have spent a week in July for the past two years loving on the children and staff members within an orphanage in China. We advocated for many of the children we met on these adventures and watched families united. Yet, we grieve for so many still waiting and countless others who will never know the love of family.
The stage called!
Bravely, my daughter declared that none of these concerns in my heart and mind would hinder her. She auditioned and was cast as the "Dogcatcher"!
One evening as my husband picked her up from rehearsal, the director stopped him to chat. He shared that our daughter was doing such a great job with her character and in the entire production. He commented that casting had been very difficult for him. She was so talented on stage that he would have loved to have cast her as one of the main orphan roles but that she had not marked any of these as possibilities on her audition sheet.
Later, as I questioned my daughter about why she had not included these characters, her first response was that she did not believe she would have been cast as any of these characters. Not good enough. Ironically, she had included Annie and other lead characters as options on her sheet. So the mama helped her dig a little deeper, emotionally,
"I didn't want to be an orphan, again."
Knife to a mama's heart.
More talking. More emotional processing. Band-Aids applied to the brokenness and deep wounds that linger in the hearts of my little girls.
More rehearsals. More costumes. More characters. More songs filling my home. As the raw, opened wounds become hidden once again.
Four nights of performances! Have I mentioned that she was AMAZING? My camera stayed busy each night clicking rapidly every time she stepped on stage.
The night of the final performance began like every night before. Pride and love keeping my camera lens focused to my beautiful princess on stage. Until suddenly, my eyes welled with tears and my throat choked on a flood of emotions.
Singing and scuffling through "It's a Hard Knock Life," I realized that most of the "orphans" filling the stage knew nothing more than choreography and lyrics. Suburban princesses and drama queens performed and acted the story of a life they knew nothing about.
Institutional Life
Struggling to Survive
Loss
Hunger
Hopelessness
Though my little girls are no longer orphans, the lasting effects of early life trauma permeate our daily lives.
Analyzing the characters dancing and singing on stage, the contrast between their stories and my own daughters' shocked me...
Annie lived with the belief that her biological parents were alive and anxiously anticipated their return to reclaim her as their daughter. By today's definition, Annie was a "Poverty Orphan" because her parents abandoned their child due to their inability to provide for her needs. The lines delivered from the script depict all the other girls as genuine orphans who have lost both parents, presumably to death. As the final curtain falls, Annie experiences the joy of adoption and family. The orphaned girls no longer abused and oppressed by Miss Hannigan rejoice with the hope of a new life, but they remain orphans without families.
My girls? Through their adoptions they officially became dearly loved daughters and sisters within our family. However, their past lives, their stories, and their biological families remain unsolved mysteries with no answers, only questions. Lingering questions that repeatedly cut and slice deep wounds. No pretty bow ties up our family's story in a grand finale of harmonious song and glittering colors dancing to match the crescendo and conclusion.
The photos from the orphanage playground today reminded me that my princess in 13 years old. Today is not her birthday, but in just a few short months we will celebrate her 14th birthday.
14!
Fourteen!
A child's 14th birthday is very significant in a Chinese orphanage. Chinese law prohibits any child from being adopted, domestically or internationally, after their 14th birthday.
As my little girls rapidly approach this monumental birthday, my emotions rocket to astronomical highs of joy and delight that I have the honor and priviledge of being their mama. Then I plummet to the depths of despair at the thought that we could have missed them. We could have been too busy. Adoption could have been too hard, too expensive, too unpredictable, too much.
It sickens my stomach and my mind to even try to imagine my precious daughters condemned to remain orphans, forever.
Oh, what the world might have missed with these two beautiful, talented, smart, funny, creative, and curious princesses locked away from their family and their potential!
So many children still wait. How can I celebrate the lives of my girls without remembering all these children...
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